Make-overs.. good or scary?

There are many reality make-over shows these days. They are very entertaining to watch and make you feel better about your own situation. The solution to the problems of the subject of the show always seem so obvious to you as the outsider but the subject always seems clueless. I think I started this blog to get an outside perspective on my own thoughts and issues and perhaps get some insight on things that I am clueless about but is so obvious to the reader. Even in my last blog I made an excuse for every problem why an obvious solution would not work out allready assuming I get feedback that people would try to solve my problems. Funnny thing happened though. I got feedback and it scared me!
I think solutions to our problems are known to us... we are just scared of following through and solving the problem. So we make excuses why we can't follow through on the obvious solutions. (Which I did in my last blog.) Do I enjoy being the martyr (as my husband tells me) or am I scared of the life I might have if I follow through and actually get the things I think will make me happier. Maybe I'm scared I'll get there and my life won't be perfect and I'll still be unhappy. Like will I feel better about myself if I lost 20lbs or will I still have those same body issues no mater what? And who will I be if I'm a size 6 if so much of my identity for so long has been an overweight person. Or if I go get a job and miraculously am able to have it all... a job and wonderful children... will I lose my identity I created as a stay at home mom and will my relationships with my other SAHM friends change?
I must not want the change bad enough to sacrafice the good things that I have right now.
I may just be creating drama to break up the monotony of my day.
I might be scared of change.
(sorry for all the misspellings)

Bringing more to the table?

So my twins have started camp and I'm trying to figure out what to do with this extra time. It's not enough time to go get a job, but it's enough time to finnish all my house keeping and than get bored and succum to watching too much day time television. I've looked into classes, but most classes for adults are in the evenings or on the weekends... no help for me. I'm feeling now that I should be doing more with my life. I've deprived myself for so long of the option to have a life outside my home that I've lost all ambition to do more. I'm so narrow minded that I think the only step in a new direction that would bring more meaning is haveing another a baby... but that's crazy!! I hardly have the energy to take care of the 2 that I allready have and what happens if it's twins again! There is that nagging guilt that I should bring more to the table. I am a woman living in the modern world. I could have it all... the kids, an education, a job, a life, volunteer work and a personal trainer. But who really has the energy to do it all and not get burned out and end up sacraficing the more important thing for the rest? I chose not to work so I could raise my own children and not leave them with a babysitter who trys to bring them close to jesus or feed them non-kosher or yogurt b/f they've had rice cereal (I'd also would have had to pay a babysitter more than I'd end up makeing myself). Not that I don't understand the woman who do go to work, just i don't know how they have the energy to do it all and thankfully my husband hasn't told me we are drowning and I need to work. Ofcourse those that choose to work I understand it too, I just wasn't ready to cut the cord from my babies and think there was a world of my own beyond them. So now I'm seeing the light and think that there could be a world for me that may not involve them. But I've lost all ambition. To go back to school seems a waste b/c I know I probably won't end up getting a job when i'm done.. just haveing more babies. I went to an art college (which explains all my misspelling) so I allready got to learn all those artistic skills and fun crafts that some adult classes offer. I also know how to cook and spent many years in yeshiva/ bais yaakov that when I go to a shiur I've heard the message before and know the punchline of the shiur with in 10 minutes. So perhaps I should become a bikur cholim lady after all... which was my fall back tactic if I didn't do well on my SATs in High School (I went to art school instead). I don't even know where to begin to get involved in chessed... I live in a large jewish community that it seems self sufficient with out me. I also feel like I'm giving of myself so much allready will I be able to do organized chessed and feel good about it. So I remind myself that chesed begins in the home. That can be interupted that I make the world a better place by raising good humen beings, that I bring comfort and happiness to my husband and if that is all the energy I have to spend or the only opputunity I have to make good in this world than that is enough. I've tryed the personal trainer thing and I haven't found a reliable one that doesn't get a boyfriend out of state and leave on me! Also I mention b/f that I cook (and like to eat) so the training didn't offer alot of results.
So I'm just ranting here and looking for feedback from random strangers. Most will probably think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and looking for excuses to not turn my tv off and get off the couch. It may be true. When I complained to my doctor of my lack of energy she told me to go to a nutrionist and see a phsycologist. I thought that was a typical NY response.. go see a shrink. The nutritionsit idea... I read my naturaul health magazines and know alot more about what food is good for me and what isn't than perhaps the average person (I've been dieting since I was 11).
So instead I blog and hope to find answers from the blogsphere. I've learned alot from reading ther pples blogs. I have yet to find what words of wisdom I want to depart on my own blog... they will come soon I'm sure. For now, I rant.

Engaged and Underaged???

So I realized I have trouble starting a conversation even in blogsphere. A friend of mine told me not to worry about my audience and just to start writing. I must be really insecure that I'm worried how I'l come off to my current readers (ie 0 to date). Perhaps I'm too obsessed with trying to gain listeners and just use this space to vent like I had originally intended. But where to start? I just watched part of a show on MTV called "Engaged and Underaged." The couple this reality show was covering were 21. I called my husband and told him about this. He was like why are they underaged? We got married at 19 and 20 respectively. I had twins by the time I was 21... that is married with 2 kids by the time I was 21. Often my husband and I (usually when we feel overwhelmed) ask if we made a mistake getting married so young and haveing kids so young. But at the time all I wanted was to be with my husband and the only thing that would make me happy and give me the abillity to move forward with my life was to be with him. Did I get pregnant too early? Perhaps, but I wasn't planning on the whole twin thing at the time. With just one baby I could have continued on with school or gotten a job and not have been as scared out of my mind to leave just 1 baby with a babysitter. But the birth of my twins has taught me so many life lessons and has probably been the most challenging thing in my life. I've also greated some great connections and good relationships with people because of their existance. Do I miss sleeping in.. yes. Do I miss walking around indulging in my wonderlust w/o a care of when I need to get home... yes. But as that same wise friend (see above) has said, haveing limits makes us moral. Haveing children in my life keeps me inline and gives me a great reason to get out of bed in the morning. Yes it's hard.. really really hard. I tell people when they ask how hard haveing twins is that I cried every day for the first 6 months, and now I don't cry as often. But life is hard for everyone. We all need to work hard for or on something. This is my lot. If it wasn't them it probably would have been something else than.. and I'm glad it was them.

Hello...

This is my chance to put thougths and words out there in this cyberspace where someone may read it. I think at this point I'm probably just talking to myself. This is not a new phenomenon. I'm a middle child and talking to myself is a birthright. Often I'll be up at night thinking of something that seems so profound at 3 am or chewing over an argument and want a place to talk through my side of an argument and get a fresh perspective. I thought I could use a place to write it down, spell it out and if anyone does read it I'd love to get feed back. Topics may include politics, being a modern female or just abstract ideas about humanity and relationships. So Hello All! Is anyone out there?